I got the call while I was at the office. My wife, on the other end of the line was sobbing inconsolably at the medical clinic. "The doctor says our baby needs to be tested for Down Syndrome" she managed to say. I recall very little of what happened from that moment on, but I do remember very clearly how I felt. Instantly, the earth had opened up in a big black hole and I was falling into it with an indescribable sensation of vertigo. The next three weeks were the longest of my life, as we nursed our newly born daughter while we waited for the test results. Fortunately for us, the test was negative, and like awakening from a bad dream, we quickly went on with our lives and put the bad experience behind us.

Many families are not as lucky as we were, and having gone through that scare changed forever the way I feel about parents with developmentally and physically challenged children.

Visiting Latino families with disabled children

Several years later, I worked on a consulting basis as a bilingual behavioral assessment specialist, visiting Latino families of children with special needs, and helping them deal with behavior problems. I have to admit that it was very difficult to walk into the homes of these admirable families as the "expert". My early experience with my daughter humbled me into the realization that only those who go through the experience of raising developmentally challenged children must know what it is like. I visited many homes and I only hope I gave suggestions and recommendations that were of some help. Perhaps, it was I who came out with the greatest benefit, at having met so many loving, tolerant, and dedicated parents raising children in very challenging situations.

Noticing a tendency towards isolation

The work I did was with Mexican-American immigrant families who were dealing not only with the challenges of immigration, cultural adaptation, and limited financial resources, but also with the additional responsibilities and effort required in raising children with special needs. I am convinced that most of these mothers and fathers were equipped with more than enough love and patience to overcome their obstacles. However, what I noticed was a tendency to isolate themselves, and chose to face their stressors alone while neglecting their own need for support and nurturance.

Mental health center near the Mexican border

A similar trend is apparent in the parents of the seriously emotionally disturbed kids that I now see at the mental health center I manage near the Mexican border. It seems at time contradictory that Latinos who are known for being sociable, friendly, and people oriented would relinquish one of their primary support systems at a time when they might need it the most.

The company of our family and friends during the three long weeks that my wife and I waited for our newborn’s test results was the best medicine for our worry and anxiety. Therefore I cannot help but continuously search for answers as to why so many opt for dealing with problems alone. The answers I have come up with are by no means few, and as all the matters of the mind and spirit, they are also complex and specific to each individual.

Shame & stigma in our culture

Nevertheless, I could venture to postulate some of the most common reasons I have found in my many years of sharing intimate life stories with my clients. Shame and stigma are perhaps the more frequent explanation for keeping our problems to ourselves.

Come to think of it, in our Latino culture we have always been concerned about what others think. "El que diran", what people might say, has been a powerful force in helping us control our behavior in the past. This is reflected in the saying: "la ropa sucia se lava en casa"; the dirty laundry should only be washed at home.

When I think about small communities where everyone knew each other, with hardly any law enforcement and often weak and ineffective government structures in place it makes sense that we would historically gotten use of our neighbors opinions, and consequently shame and guilt as a mechanism for social control and regulation. No one can deny that the widespread of Catholicism in Latin America must have helped to boost up the power of such self-damaging emotions.

Marianismo & Fatalismo

Another factor often quoted in the literature and also closely associated to religion is "Marianismo" or the Latino female inclination for devoting to others and suffering in silence. And to add to the mix, there is "Fatalismo" or the popular and deeply rooted idea in our way of thinking that if bad things happen to us it is God sent and we deserve it because we must have done something wrong. Furthermore, there is nothing we can do about it.

The way I see it, all these belief systems and traditions may be rooted in how our culture evolved. It may have been functional and useful in the past, and may have served our population positively. But as we become acculturated, and at the same time, we begin to adapt to this fast changing world, we can also shed the values and ideas that no longer help us. We can do this without losing our ethnic pride and characteristics.

Our strength as Latinos – connecting & caring

One of our strength and asset as Latinos is our ability to connect with, befriend, care for, and accept people. There is much to be said about the benefit that we can derive if we use those skills to rally together, support each other, and relate to each other with the caring, compassion, and unconditional acceptance that Latinos are well known for.

As a Latino mental health professional I would like to make a call to all those wonderful parents to make an effort to connect and interact with others who are going through similar situations. There are opportunities to form groups everywhere. You can meet other parents who are going through similar situations through schools and organizations, and meet in groups at libraries and many other available community sites. There may be a need for some extra efforts in the beginning but the rewards are great. There is nothing better that feeling understood and being helped by those who know how we feel.

Si se puede!

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